MIL Chronicles. You knew it would happen, it’s Christmas.
Side note before story. We had friends over for Christmas dinner. She can’t get up our stairs so she can’t come over (see how I did that..) we tell her we are eating around 3:30-4 and that when we are finished we will bring her a couple plates of food.
5:01 - Big’s phone rings.
Big: hello, mother
MIL: I thought you were eating at 4?
Big: we did
MIL: well are you going to bring me my food or do I need to heat up some soup!
Big: where are you mother (his tone is not good, his eyebrows are super angry and he’s getting louder)
MIL: upstairs
Big: well why don’t you crow bar your ass out of that chair and get downstairs and I’ll bring your food over right away.
Another side note. I made the usual trimmings. Gravy and mashed potatoes were set aside for her before salt and pepper. Because she was, is and will always be a horrid cook and says she can’t have salt BUT wants me to find out the salt content of fried chicken at the grocery store. Stop. Also, I started making a Barefoot Contessa recipe a few years ago. Lots of fresh herbs, white wine, blah blah.
Big takes over 2 plates full of food, a bowl of gravy and two rolls. He’s gone for about 20 minutes. He’s recounted the story for our friends who heard his store of the conversation. Folks have a hard time conceiving of such nastiness. About 20 minutes later Big returns.
Big: well her majesty wants more of everything. Except the gravy. She said it’s shit water and not sure what you did to it.
Me: shit water. Shit. Water. Ok
Big: yeah, shit water. How’s that one?
Me: it’s gonna be shit water for the rest of my days. Every holiday. No gravy ever again. Shit water only.
As we make plates for friends to take home, our friend Virginia says yes a little of everything would be awesome, thank you!
Me: do you want shit water on it, or no?
Virginia: I loved the shit water, yes please!
Later that evening Big asks me to call her and tell her we are going to bed. I do so. Here is how that goes.
MIL: ok, your going to bed? Alright. Debbie thank you for the food! Except for your gravy, it wasn’t very good I’m sorry to say.
***please note what she called me***
Me: you mean the shit water?
MIL: ——-crickets——-
Me: ok well goodnight.
MIL: what did you have for dessert?
Me: ice cream cake.
MIL: ice cream cake?! It wasn’t anyone’s birthday!
Me: it was your son’s birthday. 15 days ago
MIL: ——-crickets———
Me: ok good night.
Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon. Big goes to her house for something.
MIL: Steven why didn’t you bring me a piece of ice cream cake
Big: I don’t know mother. Would you like a piece of ice cream cake
MIL: well yes! Also, Steven you didn’t get me any ice cream at the grocery store.
Big: it wasn’t on the list. Put it on the list and I’ll get it Saturday.
MIL: SATURDAY! You’d make me wait until Saturday?!
He went to get it later. When he returns she tells him she’s sorry she missed his birthday. He tells her why would this year be different from any other?
Shit water. Henceforth and forever more. I’ll invite you one day. You’ll love it. I’m quite sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment