So some of you have watched the MIL Chronicles with amusement. As well you should.
An odd phenomenon is taking place. Any information related to MIL is like the circle story told in grade school. The resemblance to what was really said by the time it reaches the next person is almost non-existence.
Big's new super cool to immediately RED HOT button is the phrase .... "Debbie said..." (Those of you who know Big know that super cool for him is really only 2 degrees from RED HOT, it's the spirit of the thing that's important)
Yep. That's what she said. Only I (who am NOT named "Debbie") said nothing of the kind. We have developed a new style of communication. Big is learning. He'll call me and say, here is what Mother said, what is the real story. That's progress. Real progress.
PS there are approximately 3 people in my life that have called me Debbie. 2 high school friends (Sarah Claassen who isn't on any social media, and still does. Sheryl Seligson who still does) and Big who used to. He refrains now. Those are the only 3 grandfathered in and from whom I don't hear the word with a lighted match on my soul!
That's all. Just that.
Monday, February 26, 2018
MIL Chronicles - December 2016
MIL Chronicles
Me: I'm here to get your grocery list. Is it done?
MIL: uh huh (she's eating)
I review the list item by item (it's a Sable thing) and check the cupboards to make sure these items don't already exist
MIL: where did you get that coat!?
Me: it's a sweatshirt type thing that is made by a tree company. It's for being out in the woods for hours and hours. It lets nothing through.
MIL: was it Steven's
Me: (this thing goes nearly to my knees and the sleeves nearly to my ankles) yes this is the one he ordered first that is too small for him. He can't get in and out of it alone. He has a bigger one.
MIL: well the next time you have something like that give it to me.
Me: you couldn't get in and out of it. It's too heavy and your "rotor" cuff wouldn't allow you to throw your arms up
**speaking her language is easier than speaking English and having her not get it**
Me: plus we just got you that pretty purple cape.
MIL: what am I gonna do it there is snow up to here (gesturing to her chest) with that cape?!
**you must know that at this point she is completely offended that I have suggested she be out in 5 feet of snow in a CAPE! The nerve!**
Me: like you are ever going to be out in that much snow! You won't leave the house when it rains!
MIL: (*sputtering*) you don't know I could surprise you!
Me: you haven't yet
MIL: DEBRA!
Me: you only call me that when your upset that I'm right! (Now she's laughing)
MIL: I do not!
Me: oh yes you do! You and your son only call me by my whole name when I'm right because it causes you both physical pain!
At that point the 18 degree weather sounds awesome so it's off to the grocery store I go.
The end.
The perfectly lovely cape:
Me: I'm here to get your grocery list. Is it done?
MIL: uh huh (she's eating)
I review the list item by item (it's a Sable thing) and check the cupboards to make sure these items don't already exist
MIL: where did you get that coat!?
Me: it's a sweatshirt type thing that is made by a tree company. It's for being out in the woods for hours and hours. It lets nothing through.
MIL: was it Steven's
Me: (this thing goes nearly to my knees and the sleeves nearly to my ankles) yes this is the one he ordered first that is too small for him. He can't get in and out of it alone. He has a bigger one.
MIL: well the next time you have something like that give it to me.
Me: you couldn't get in and out of it. It's too heavy and your "rotor" cuff wouldn't allow you to throw your arms up
**speaking her language is easier than speaking English and having her not get it**
Me: plus we just got you that pretty purple cape.
MIL: what am I gonna do it there is snow up to here (gesturing to her chest) with that cape?!
**you must know that at this point she is completely offended that I have suggested she be out in 5 feet of snow in a CAPE! The nerve!**
Me: like you are ever going to be out in that much snow! You won't leave the house when it rains!
MIL: (*sputtering*) you don't know I could surprise you!
Me: you haven't yet
MIL: DEBRA!
Me: you only call me that when your upset that I'm right! (Now she's laughing)
MIL: I do not!
Me: oh yes you do! You and your son only call me by my whole name when I'm right because it causes you both physical pain!
At that point the 18 degree weather sounds awesome so it's off to the grocery store I go.
The end.
The perfectly lovely cape:
MIL Chronicles - October 2015
MIL Chronicles.
Background: many errands to complete things for MILs house. Last stop Jared jewelry because a lovely little bird told me they could work on my watch and MIL needed a new battery for hers. Big and I went into Jared alone. ALONE. On purpose. He told her he would lock the car, she said ok I'll stay here. She'd had enough walking, you see. It comes to pass that my watch can't be fixed and my husband is tired of me being cheap and buys me a new watch. It's gonna take a minute so he says he will go out and tell his mother what's up. While I was obliviously handling the watch purchase and fitting, here is what happened.
Big headed for the car. Before he could get to the door the alarm in the car started going off. He goes to the car to see what's going on. His mother is struggling to get out of the car. He hits the button and unlocks everything and opens her door. He is nearly knocked dead by the fumes!
MIL: I made a stinker and I need to go to the bathroom.
Big through watering eyes: what were you doing and why did the alarm go off.
MIL: I couldn't figure out how to unlock the door to get out.
Big takes her inside, deposits her at the bathroom, goes back outside and rolls every window down.
She's owned this car for 14 years. She doesn't know about the "lock/unlock" button.
💩😂💩😂💩😂
It's funnier because I had no part in it. I was busy getting a lovely watch.
Background: many errands to complete things for MILs house. Last stop Jared jewelry because a lovely little bird told me they could work on my watch and MIL needed a new battery for hers. Big and I went into Jared alone. ALONE. On purpose. He told her he would lock the car, she said ok I'll stay here. She'd had enough walking, you see. It comes to pass that my watch can't be fixed and my husband is tired of me being cheap and buys me a new watch. It's gonna take a minute so he says he will go out and tell his mother what's up. While I was obliviously handling the watch purchase and fitting, here is what happened.
Big headed for the car. Before he could get to the door the alarm in the car started going off. He goes to the car to see what's going on. His mother is struggling to get out of the car. He hits the button and unlocks everything and opens her door. He is nearly knocked dead by the fumes!
MIL: I made a stinker and I need to go to the bathroom.
Big through watering eyes: what were you doing and why did the alarm go off.
MIL: I couldn't figure out how to unlock the door to get out.
Big takes her inside, deposits her at the bathroom, goes back outside and rolls every window down.
She's owned this car for 14 years. She doesn't know about the "lock/unlock" button.
💩😂💩😂💩😂
It's funnier because I had no part in it. I was busy getting a lovely watch.
MIL Chronicles - October 2016
MIL Chronicles from last night.
MIL: oh Deb I think the steps for the doggie next to my chair have stained my chair.
ME: oh really? I'll check tomorrow in the sunlight.
Yes the dog has steps. Yes he has two sets so different rooms are covered. He's little. Stop. Then Big comes home. MIL repeats her stain lament.
BIG: where? Let me look. (He looks. No stains, anyway). Uh, Mother there is nothin on this chair except fuzz from the steps.
MIL: no it's a stain
BIG: you need new glasses. You can't hear for shit or you're ignoring me and now you are seeing things.
MIL: we will look tomorrow in the sun. It's there.
BIG: Mother, I'm never wrong.
Today, in the sun, no stain. She's in shock. Shocked I tell you.
MIL: oh Deb I think the steps for the doggie next to my chair have stained my chair.
ME: oh really? I'll check tomorrow in the sunlight.
Yes the dog has steps. Yes he has two sets so different rooms are covered. He's little. Stop. Then Big comes home. MIL repeats her stain lament.
BIG: where? Let me look. (He looks. No stains, anyway). Uh, Mother there is nothin on this chair except fuzz from the steps.
MIL: no it's a stain
BIG: you need new glasses. You can't hear for shit or you're ignoring me and now you are seeing things.
MIL: we will look tomorrow in the sun. It's there.
BIG: Mother, I'm never wrong.
Today, in the sun, no stain. She's in shock. Shocked I tell you.
MIL Chronicles - September 2016
MIL Chronicles - I've just gotten home off the plane.
MIL: did you hear about the train crash?
Me: yeah isn't that terrible!
MIL: ever since that Obama got in office it's been one thing after another
Me: Jesus Christ, this is going to be deeper than I expect you to understand but for one thing he isn't the devil. For another thing Ronald Reagan deregulated every damned thing in the 80's and nothing been kept up because there is no regulation. Do you blame Obama for your gallbladder needing to come out in the mid 90's too? He probably had something to do with that.
More idol conversation of no substance because I made sense and she can't get it.
MIL: how much longer are you going to have to travel?
Me: you mean?
MIL: like when do you stop traveling and stay home to work?
Me: the 12th of never
Exit, stage left
MIL: did you hear about the train crash?
Me: yeah isn't that terrible!
MIL: ever since that Obama got in office it's been one thing after another
Me: Jesus Christ, this is going to be deeper than I expect you to understand but for one thing he isn't the devil. For another thing Ronald Reagan deregulated every damned thing in the 80's and nothing been kept up because there is no regulation. Do you blame Obama for your gallbladder needing to come out in the mid 90's too? He probably had something to do with that.
More idol conversation of no substance because I made sense and she can't get it.
MIL: how much longer are you going to have to travel?
Me: you mean?
MIL: like when do you stop traveling and stay home to work?
Me: the 12th of never
Exit, stage left
MIL Chronicles - December 2017
MIL Chronicles. You knew it would happen, it’s Christmas.
Side note before story. We had friends over for Christmas dinner. She can’t get up our stairs so she can’t come over (see how I did that..) we tell her we are eating around 3:30-4 and that when we are finished we will bring her a couple plates of food.
5:01 - Big’s phone rings.
Big: hello, mother
MIL: I thought you were eating at 4?
Big: we did
MIL: well are you going to bring me my food or do I need to heat up some soup!
Big: where are you mother (his tone is not good, his eyebrows are super angry and he’s getting louder)
MIL: upstairs
Big: well why don’t you crow bar your ass out of that chair and get downstairs and I’ll bring your food over right away.
Another side note. I made the usual trimmings. Gravy and mashed potatoes were set aside for her before salt and pepper. Because she was, is and will always be a horrid cook and says she can’t have salt BUT wants me to find out the salt content of fried chicken at the grocery store. Stop. Also, I started making a Barefoot Contessa recipe a few years ago. Lots of fresh herbs, white wine, blah blah.
Big takes over 2 plates full of food, a bowl of gravy and two rolls. He’s gone for about 20 minutes. He’s recounted the story for our friends who heard his store of the conversation. Folks have a hard time conceiving of such nastiness. About 20 minutes later Big returns.
Big: well her majesty wants more of everything. Except the gravy. She said it’s shit water and not sure what you did to it.
Me: shit water. Shit. Water. Ok
Big: yeah, shit water. How’s that one?
Me: it’s gonna be shit water for the rest of my days. Every holiday. No gravy ever again. Shit water only.
As we make plates for friends to take home, our friend Virginia says yes a little of everything would be awesome, thank you!
Me: do you want shit water on it, or no?
Virginia: I loved the shit water, yes please!
Later that evening Big asks me to call her and tell her we are going to bed. I do so. Here is how that goes.
MIL: ok, your going to bed? Alright. Debbie thank you for the food! Except for your gravy, it wasn’t very good I’m sorry to say.
***please note what she called me***
Me: you mean the shit water?
MIL: ——-crickets——-
Me: ok well goodnight.
MIL: what did you have for dessert?
Me: ice cream cake.
MIL: ice cream cake?! It wasn’t anyone’s birthday!
Me: it was your son’s birthday. 15 days ago
MIL: ——-crickets———
Me: ok good night.
Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon. Big goes to her house for something.
MIL: Steven why didn’t you bring me a piece of ice cream cake
Big: I don’t know mother. Would you like a piece of ice cream cake
MIL: well yes! Also, Steven you didn’t get me any ice cream at the grocery store.
Big: it wasn’t on the list. Put it on the list and I’ll get it Saturday.
MIL: SATURDAY! You’d make me wait until Saturday?!
He went to get it later. When he returns she tells him she’s sorry she missed his birthday. He tells her why would this year be different from any other?
Shit water. Henceforth and forever more. I’ll invite you one day. You’ll love it. I’m quite sure.
Side note before story. We had friends over for Christmas dinner. She can’t get up our stairs so she can’t come over (see how I did that..) we tell her we are eating around 3:30-4 and that when we are finished we will bring her a couple plates of food.
5:01 - Big’s phone rings.
Big: hello, mother
MIL: I thought you were eating at 4?
Big: we did
MIL: well are you going to bring me my food or do I need to heat up some soup!
Big: where are you mother (his tone is not good, his eyebrows are super angry and he’s getting louder)
MIL: upstairs
Big: well why don’t you crow bar your ass out of that chair and get downstairs and I’ll bring your food over right away.
Another side note. I made the usual trimmings. Gravy and mashed potatoes were set aside for her before salt and pepper. Because she was, is and will always be a horrid cook and says she can’t have salt BUT wants me to find out the salt content of fried chicken at the grocery store. Stop. Also, I started making a Barefoot Contessa recipe a few years ago. Lots of fresh herbs, white wine, blah blah.
Big takes over 2 plates full of food, a bowl of gravy and two rolls. He’s gone for about 20 minutes. He’s recounted the story for our friends who heard his store of the conversation. Folks have a hard time conceiving of such nastiness. About 20 minutes later Big returns.
Big: well her majesty wants more of everything. Except the gravy. She said it’s shit water and not sure what you did to it.
Me: shit water. Shit. Water. Ok
Big: yeah, shit water. How’s that one?
Me: it’s gonna be shit water for the rest of my days. Every holiday. No gravy ever again. Shit water only.
As we make plates for friends to take home, our friend Virginia says yes a little of everything would be awesome, thank you!
Me: do you want shit water on it, or no?
Virginia: I loved the shit water, yes please!
Later that evening Big asks me to call her and tell her we are going to bed. I do so. Here is how that goes.
MIL: ok, your going to bed? Alright. Debbie thank you for the food! Except for your gravy, it wasn’t very good I’m sorry to say.
***please note what she called me***
Me: you mean the shit water?
MIL: ——-crickets——-
Me: ok well goodnight.
MIL: what did you have for dessert?
Me: ice cream cake.
MIL: ice cream cake?! It wasn’t anyone’s birthday!
Me: it was your son’s birthday. 15 days ago
MIL: ——-crickets———
Me: ok good night.
Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon. Big goes to her house for something.
MIL: Steven why didn’t you bring me a piece of ice cream cake
Big: I don’t know mother. Would you like a piece of ice cream cake
MIL: well yes! Also, Steven you didn’t get me any ice cream at the grocery store.
Big: it wasn’t on the list. Put it on the list and I’ll get it Saturday.
MIL: SATURDAY! You’d make me wait until Saturday?!
He went to get it later. When he returns she tells him she’s sorry she missed his birthday. He tells her why would this year be different from any other?
Shit water. Henceforth and forever more. I’ll invite you one day. You’ll love it. I’m quite sure.
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