Deb's Travel Chronicles
Upgrade to first class. It's a puddle jumper so don't get excited. It's just enough room to slide my bag under the seat without being a contortionist. My travel partner (TP henceforth) and I experience this trip together. We bonded, really.
In line to board:
TP: go right ahead, it's not leaving until we are all on anyway (chivalry)
Me: thanks so much, you're right (dazzling smile - me not him)
We get on the plane to realize we are seated next to one another.
Me: looks like your stuck with me. Be careful who you're nice to.
TP: chuckling - no problem. Do you mind if I slide my bag under the seat too. Some people get territorial and don't want their bag next to someone else's under the seat.
Me: um, I'm not some people. Of course! I won't badger you or call you names, I won't even give you dirty looks.
TP: terrific (dazzling smile - him not me)
Enter stage left entitled traveler 1 & 2. ET1 and ET2 - you know how this works.
ET2 getting on the plane. Doesn't travel often CLEARLY. Can't fathom no space over head in 1st class.
ET1: here we will put your stuff over here. They've taken all our space.
TP and I exchange glances
TP: entitled
Me: it's sad they have to put up with the little people this trip
Fast forward to getting ready to close the door to the plane
ET1: are you nervous ET2?
ET2: yes
ET1: want a Xanax. No I'm serious I have some (loudly-not her inside or in public voice)
ET2: ok
ET1: I probably should have given it to you 20 minutes ago.
TP and I exchange glances.
Me to TP: Xanax is a whisper word, seriously
TP: (laughing) not for her it isn't!
ET1: do you need a snack? A snack will help
ET2: ok what do you have
ET1: cheese-it's and jelly beans
Me to TP: and Xanax
TP: cheese-it's, jelly beans and Xanax. Trail mix
Me: clearly.
Now we've landed and are about to deplane. Everyone standing, shuffling, getting bags...
ET1: but seriously have you ever had Ambien? It's a miracle!
Me from my seat, TP standing already -
Me: what is going on right now?!
TP: Jesus mother of god
Me: maybe it's us, maybe we shouldn't travel together any more.
TP: oh, yeah. That's probably it
Me and TP, we get each other. I'll never see him again and don't know his name but I'm glad someone else heard it. Just so I know I heard it.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Marriage Chronicles - February 2016
Has anyone else ever had the convo with the man of the house that went something like this...
BIG: I'm gonna throw in a wash, do you have anything you need washed?
ME: (looking into my laundry basket as I am packing my suitcase for my business trip) just one or two things, don't worry about it.
BIG: you sure? You don't have anything to wash, not one thing?
ME: I said very little and no don't worry about it. No big deal.
BIG: you have stuff in there just give it to me.
ME: JFC stop asking me! I'm trying to get stuff together. Walk. Away!
BIG: you know you don't have to be shitty
ME: Again, you ask if you can do something for me, I say no thanks in a decidedly NOT shitty way. Then you proceed to ask me the same question 3 more times and when I finally blow my stack it's me being shitting. Don't ask me that f'ing question again. Go. Do. Your. Wash.
BIG: ok, ok. Fine I won't try to be nice anymore. Do your own laundry.
Ok, so now we are back to where I wanted to be when we started 5 minutes ago. I finish packing, he starts his wash. Why did I have to go through Scotland to get there. Omg, I'm so the guy. I need a nap.
BIG: I'm gonna throw in a wash, do you have anything you need washed?
ME: (looking into my laundry basket as I am packing my suitcase for my business trip) just one or two things, don't worry about it.
BIG: you sure? You don't have anything to wash, not one thing?
ME: I said very little and no don't worry about it. No big deal.
BIG: you have stuff in there just give it to me.
ME: JFC stop asking me! I'm trying to get stuff together. Walk. Away!
BIG: you know you don't have to be shitty
ME: Again, you ask if you can do something for me, I say no thanks in a decidedly NOT shitty way. Then you proceed to ask me the same question 3 more times and when I finally blow my stack it's me being shitting. Don't ask me that f'ing question again. Go. Do. Your. Wash.
BIG: ok, ok. Fine I won't try to be nice anymore. Do your own laundry.
Ok, so now we are back to where I wanted to be when we started 5 minutes ago. I finish packing, he starts his wash. Why did I have to go through Scotland to get there. Omg, I'm so the guy. I need a nap.
MIL Chronicles - November 2017
Vacation Sable Style
1. Plan vacation in April to happen at thanksgiving.
2. Spend all of summer and fall with at least 2 Sables ill (one self-induced, one because of the self induced and one from yelling at self-induced)
3. Finally convince self-induced that she needs someone in daily to help take care of her (one of my family members who is skilled, kind, classically and emotionally intelligent)
4. Wednesday night before thanksgiving day departure take self-induced to the hospital with CHF exacerbation
**at this point self-induced (MIL if you hadn’t figured it out) is safer in the hospital, in CCU and taking lots of fluid off**
5. Decision made to GO ANYWAY (MIL spends Thursday, Friday and Saturday in the hospital - which was perfect. I plan to ask the hospital if we can just check her in every time we need a break)
6. Watch The Boys get their asses handed to them
7. Chill and have fun anyway
8. Come home and pick up self-induced who is now on O2 likely permanently but pretending it’s until she gets better
9. Big going from relaxed to controlled rage in 30 minutes flat
Moral to the story - go anyway. Second lesson never forget how hard it is to take care of someone and when this is over listen carefully to people who are doing the same. Figure out a way to help, if only for 5 minutes. 5 minutes of no one needing you can be enough to get you through the next thing.
Now the fun highlight. I got upgraded to a Dodge Charger and spent 3 day’s with my foot in the carburetor. There is precious little as sexy as the growl of a an American muscle car.
1. Plan vacation in April to happen at thanksgiving.
2. Spend all of summer and fall with at least 2 Sables ill (one self-induced, one because of the self induced and one from yelling at self-induced)
3. Finally convince self-induced that she needs someone in daily to help take care of her (one of my family members who is skilled, kind, classically and emotionally intelligent)
4. Wednesday night before thanksgiving day departure take self-induced to the hospital with CHF exacerbation
**at this point self-induced (MIL if you hadn’t figured it out) is safer in the hospital, in CCU and taking lots of fluid off**
5. Decision made to GO ANYWAY (MIL spends Thursday, Friday and Saturday in the hospital - which was perfect. I plan to ask the hospital if we can just check her in every time we need a break)
6. Watch The Boys get their asses handed to them
7. Chill and have fun anyway
8. Come home and pick up self-induced who is now on O2 likely permanently but pretending it’s until she gets better
9. Big going from relaxed to controlled rage in 30 minutes flat
Moral to the story - go anyway. Second lesson never forget how hard it is to take care of someone and when this is over listen carefully to people who are doing the same. Figure out a way to help, if only for 5 minutes. 5 minutes of no one needing you can be enough to get you through the next thing.
Now the fun highlight. I got upgraded to a Dodge Charger and spent 3 day’s with my foot in the carburetor. There is precious little as sexy as the growl of a an American muscle car.
MIL Chronicles - December 2015
MIL Chronicles
Big: my mother is driving me nuts, btw
Me: I know
Big: I went over there when I got home and she said (conversation to follow)
MIL: what time are we eating tomorrow?
Big: Deb said around 5 or so
MIL: oh ok, I'll ask Debbie
To me Big: why does she talk to me. Why the F did she ask me the question if you're the only one who can answer the question. She's crazy as shit.
I waited until I hung up to laugh.
Big: my mother is driving me nuts, btw
Me: I know
Big: I went over there when I got home and she said (conversation to follow)
MIL: what time are we eating tomorrow?
Big: Deb said around 5 or so
MIL: oh ok, I'll ask Debbie
To me Big: why does she talk to me. Why the F did she ask me the question if you're the only one who can answer the question. She's crazy as shit.
I waited until I hung up to laugh.
MIL Chronicles - September 2015
MIL Chronicles
Did you do my laundry?
No, I've been doing mine and your Mom's laundry. Why didn't you do her laundry while I was gone? She was almost out of undies.
Ah Jeeezus! I can't touch that shit!
So that's a no. Bahahahahaha!!!
Did you do my laundry?
No, I've been doing mine and your Mom's laundry. Why didn't you do her laundry while I was gone? She was almost out of undies.
Ah Jeeezus! I can't touch that shit!
So that's a no. Bahahahahaha!!!
MIL Chronicles- December 2015
MIL Chronicles
Never mind the part about a-fib, the semi-emergent cardiology appointment with one day turn around (tomorrow) and the purple legs. The following are facts in evidence:
1. The doctor was so nice, you know she's tall and thin and very friendly.
2. Her heart is just in a little funny rhythm and the doctor called and got her an appointment for tomorrow. (This is because MIL is likable and so sweet that the doctor made the appointment for her. The bounds of self-importance know no limits)
3. The high dose metoprolol has her in a CONTROLLED a-fib about 120bpm
Other then that, Mrs. Lincoln...how was the play?
Icing moment:
Doc: how many children do you have?
MIL: 2
Doc: how many grandchildren?
MIL: after some thinking - ONE
Doc: how old?
MIL: Deb will he be 8?
ME: no, Emmitt will be 7 in March. It's her grand-dog. Emmitt is the dog.
Doc: mouth agape, 2 second pause, hysterics.
PS-Bring a book tomorrow, they said. They worked her in so it'll be a long wait. Bring. A. Book. They. Said.
Never mind the part about a-fib, the semi-emergent cardiology appointment with one day turn around (tomorrow) and the purple legs. The following are facts in evidence:
1. The doctor was so nice, you know she's tall and thin and very friendly.
2. Her heart is just in a little funny rhythm and the doctor called and got her an appointment for tomorrow. (This is because MIL is likable and so sweet that the doctor made the appointment for her. The bounds of self-importance know no limits)
3. The high dose metoprolol has her in a CONTROLLED a-fib about 120bpm
Other then that, Mrs. Lincoln...how was the play?
Icing moment:
Doc: how many children do you have?
MIL: 2
Doc: how many grandchildren?
MIL: after some thinking - ONE
Doc: how old?
MIL: Deb will he be 8?
ME: no, Emmitt will be 7 in March. It's her grand-dog. Emmitt is the dog.
Doc: mouth agape, 2 second pause, hysterics.
PS-Bring a book tomorrow, they said. They worked her in so it'll be a long wait. Bring. A. Book. They. Said.
MIL Chronicles - October 2015
MIL Chronicles. 25 days to go
MIL: hey Deb, can you get me some of that spray stuff for stains. I have some panties I need to treat (no doubt from Jared)
Me: no I only have the stick kind. Tell you what. I'll put it under the sink in your bathroom and you can use it whenever you need to. That way his majesty won't know. (And I can shitcan it when she goes across the way)
MIL: oh thank you. That's good.
I come up and do the thing I promised.
Big: what are you doing?
Me: don't ask
Big: oh god, what?
Me: DONT ask
Big: tell me
Me: you can't not ask can you?
Big: no
I tell him.
Big: oh Jesus that's disgusting. (Upturned lip, lurching stomach)
Me: I'm not getting any tonight am I?
Big: OMG I can't. I'm gonna be sick.
😂😂😂😂 (I was never gonna get any anyway).
MIL: hey Deb, can you get me some of that spray stuff for stains. I have some panties I need to treat (no doubt from Jared)
Me: no I only have the stick kind. Tell you what. I'll put it under the sink in your bathroom and you can use it whenever you need to. That way his majesty won't know. (And I can shitcan it when she goes across the way)
MIL: oh thank you. That's good.
I come up and do the thing I promised.
Big: what are you doing?
Me: don't ask
Big: oh god, what?
Me: DONT ask
Big: tell me
Me: you can't not ask can you?
Big: no
I tell him.
Big: oh Jesus that's disgusting. (Upturned lip, lurching stomach)
Me: I'm not getting any tonight am I?
Big: OMG I can't. I'm gonna be sick.
😂😂😂😂 (I was never gonna get any anyway).
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